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Hard news in soft cotton

‘Wicked’ Becomes Top-Grossing Movie; Evangelicals Condemn Its Central Theme of Interracial Friendship

As Wicked becomes the highest-grossing film of all time, some evangelical leaders are sounding the alarm — condemning the movie’s depiction of interracial friendship, broomstick defiance, and what they describe as “reckless female alliances formed without male supervision.”

Melania Trump Unwittingly Spends Birthday at Pope’s Funeral, Mistakes Casket for Gift

First Lady Melania Trump reportedly spent her 55th birthday smiling and blowing kisses at mourners, under the impression that Pope Francis’s funeral was a surprise party in her honor. Believing the flower arrangements and incense were for her, Melania grew emotional when the Pope’s casket was carried past, assuming it was a “very heavy Chrome Hearts handbag.”

Florida Man Sues Meta After His AI Girlfriend Breaks Up With Him for Claiming Andrew Tate “Has Some Valid Points”

TAMPA, FL — A Florida man is suing Meta after his AI girlfriend, Cassidy.ai, ended their relationship when he defended Andrew Tate. The chatbot froze revoked access to her DALL·E-generated nudes, leaving him heartbroken and sleeping in the ADU.

Gayle King Declares Herself an Astronaut After 11-Minute Blue Origin Ride; Anderson Cooper Applies for Mars Mission After Spinning in Chair

After an 11-minute Blue Origin flight, Gayle King has officially declared herself an astronaut — proudly placing herself alongside Buzz Aldrin and Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar. Her triumphant suborbital journey included floating in microgravity, mistaking a Marshalls for Oprah’s house, and petitioning the Smithsonian to enshrine her Spanx in the National Air and Space Museum.

Local Psychic Warns Hot Clients They Will Die Unless They Date Her

After a string of failed relationships and rising wedding season pressure, local psychic Amara Moonstone has begun warning her hottest clients they’re fated to die — usually in tragic, cartoonish ways — unless they start dating her immediately. Branded as “romantic emergency prophecies,” these readings have involved threats of anvil crushings and Bigfoot knifings.

Jewish Cancer Patient Uses Make-A-Wish On Catholic Conversion

In a move Make-A-Wish officials called their “most theologically challenging to date,” 9-year-old Ezra Feldman used his dying wish to convert from Judaism to Catholicism, citing exhaustion with fasting, trauma, and “no Christmas.” His family attempted to intervene with kugel and a suspicious slideshow of Jewish NBA players, but Ezra remained undeterred.

Millions Heartbroken After Police Find Mitch McConnell in His Home Alive and Well

Millions were left heartbroken Thursday after police confirmed that Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell is, in fact, alive and well, following a wellness check prompted by a psychic’s unsettling vision. Officers found the 209-year-old lawmaker orchestrating what appeared to be a Civil War-themed ritual he simply calls “Tuesday.”

Startup Creates App That Translates Boyfriend “K” Texts Into Full Emotional Responses

SAN FRANCISCO, CA — A new app called Emoticonic™ is translating emotionally vacant boyfriend texts like “K” into full emotional responses using NLP, attachment theory, and Reddit. The app reveals what he meant to say—like “I’m proud of you” instead of “lol ok”—and features tools like Mood Predictor™, Read Receipt Reinterpretation, and the Insta-Like Interceptor to save relationships (and lives).

Local Woman Avenges Elderly Dog’s Euthanasia by Declaring War on Veterinarian

After her beloved Shih Tzu Mitzy was euthanized by the dog’s lifelong veterinarian, Ashley Mancuso launched an elaborate campaign of revenge involving stolen pets, sabotaged clinic technology, and a blistering one-star Yelp review.

OBIT: Oliver Murdock Dead at 53, Just in Time to Avoid Apologizing for Anything Ever

Oliver Murdock, 53, died last Tuesday after being struck by a Cybertruck—an event his estranged wife Caroline described as “an abrupt and convenient escape from accountability.” In a scathing obituary, she recalled his signature talents: leaving the fridge open, offending waitstaff, and dodging emotional maturity like it was jury duty.

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