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Hard news in soft cotton

Second Neuralink Patient Now Cyberbullying Teens in Grand Theft Auto with Unprecedented Autonomy

After receiving a Neuralink brain implant, paralyzed patient John Doe has regained digital mobility—now using it to verbally annihilate teenagers in Grand Theft Auto with nothing but neural impulses and pure spite. “It’s like being reborn,” he said, “but more toxic.”

Shanwei Zoo Vows All Animals Are Real As Reporter Wonders How Many Bears Train At Juilliard

The Shanwei Zoo has denied mounting allegations that its animals are costumed actors, despite a tap-dancing grizzly, a bipedal “snake” muttering in Mandarin, and a kangaroo caught chain-smoking by the eucalyptus exhibit. Officials maintain all animals are “fully real,” and urged guests to ignore loudspeakers threatening termination or euthanasia for lackluster performances.

RFK Jr. Proposes New CDC Division for “Holistic Immunity,” Suggests Breast Milk Could Replace Vaccines

In a move that has stunned medical professionals and delighted wellness influencers, newly appointed Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. announced the creation of a CDC Division of Holistic Immunity, claiming that “breast milk is nature’s vaccine.” The initiative, dubbed Project TittyShield, will roll out Lacto-Vouchers, chakra-certified pediatricians, and a national breast milk registry—all in what critics are calling the most nipples-forward public health policy in American history.

TheraFlix Uses Blood Samples To Recommend Netflix Shows, Detect Cousin Marriages

Disgraced biotech entrepreneur Elizabeth Holmes has reemerged with TheraFlix, a blood-based streaming recommendation device that claims to tailor Netflix suggestions using just a single drop of blood. Early users say the product delivers unsettlingly accurate playlists—and in one case, alerted a couple that they were cousins.

DeSantis Bans Pro-Choice Ads, Rolls Out ‘Women’s Mode’ for a Dainty and Feminine TV Experience

After banning pro-choice ads and tampon commercials, Governor Ron DeSantis has introduced “Women’s Mode,” a restricted TV setting offering only The Barefoot Contessa, Say Yes to the Dress, and a kitten slideshow with not-so-subliminal messaging.

Trump Delivers Stirring Final Message to Voters: ‘Arnold Palmer Was Naked, and That’s Important’

In a baffling final campaign speech, Donald Trump urged Americans to consider one overlooked factor before voting: Arnold Palmer’s “unbelievable” locker room presence. “He didn’t even need a golf club—if you know what I mean,” Trump said, launching into a passionate, unprovoked ranking of sports legends based on naked shower charisma.

Trump Claims to be ‘Blacker’ than Harris, Recalls His Three-Point Shot Made in ‘98

At a recent rally, Donald Trump declared himself “blacker than Kamala Harris,” citing his 1998 three-point shot, his “invention” of Juneteenth, and a mentorship he claims to have given LeBron James—who has since clarified he’s never met the man. Trump also alleged Harris became Black after attending a Jackson 5 concert, and accused her of taking a MasterClass titled How to Succeed in Blackness Without Really Trying.

Musk Offers Supporters $47 For Petition Signatures, $50k to End Zuckerberg’s Marriage

Elon Musk’s America PAC is now paying supporters $47 per petition signature—“the price of freedom and a mid-tier Uber,” he tweeted—plus bonuses for social media loyalty and $50K to anyone who can end Mark Zuckerberg’s marriage. Musk’s breakup plan, dubbed Operation X-Wife, includes deepfakes, fake Bezos texts, and yacht invites from sentient Roombas. “This isn’t petty,” Musk insisted. “It’s Web3 justice.”

Trump to Sue Google for “Bad Search Results”, Buzzfeed for Harsh Muppet Personality Quiz

Donald Trump has announced plans to sue Google for “bad search results” and BuzzFeed for a Muppet quiz that labeled him Miss Piggy. Trump blasted Google for highlighting quotes he made “in the privacy of [his] own press conference,” and demanded a recount after BuzzFeed refused to change his result to Kermit.

Trump Tries Working at McDonald’s for a Day, Gets PIP for Ball Pit Antics

Donald Trump’s one-day McDonald’s “shift” ended in disaster after he was placed on a performance improvement plan for inappropriate ball pit behavior and tried to one-up Ronald McDonald in a locker room-style contest of size. After handing out unsolicited salads, messing up orders, and emerging from the ice cream machine covered in soft-serve, Trump declared, “I’ve made McDonald’s great again,” before being politely escorted off the premises.

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